Fat on Fat Crime is a new epidemic that is sweeping the nation. With all the prejudice and discrimination that is already going on in the world, who would ever think that Fat people would start taking it upon themselves to commit hideous acts of Random Fat Violence on one another. It is a damn shame! I have recently been the victim of two incidents of Fat on Fat Crime, and I am making it my duty to fight this with all of my might! The thought of Fat on Fat Crime has me sick with hunger pains deep down in my soul. Hopefully writing about this will help to ease the pain. If not, Dallas BBQ Sticky Wings will have to do the trick!
On Friday September 21st, 2007 I hosted a full-figured fashion show called "The Art of Curves". The event was the brainchild of Photographer/Publicist BLACQUE SOUTHERLAND of HSS& A inc. Blacque, who is also a very beautiful full-figured woman, said her goal was to create a unique presentation of plus size fashions for the sexy, urbane women of today. Okay…that sounds like me! I am so tired of going out and seeing every fat girl rocking the same outfit. You can always tell when Lane Bryant and Ashley Stewart have a sale because every big girl you see looks like a zoo exploded on her. Lions, Tigers and Bears, Oh My! If I see another fat chick wearing a zebra print jumpsuit at a New Years' Eve party I am going to snap! Therefore, I just knew that the Art of Curves fashion show was going to be a breath of fresh air!!!
Some of the designers she featured included MONIF C., SUE ROCK ORIGINALS, MEWV, SVOBODA, BGU, FAT GIRL FLEA MARKET, ABBY Z. and TRENTACOSTA just to name a few. They are all on the cutting edge of full figured fashion ,and are trying to pay attention to the woman of size who many times is ignored by the fashion industry. Although, I'm not sure if all of them practice what they preach!
Now, as the host, Blaque told me that one of the designers would provide clothes for me. Seeing that my make-up was going to be taken care of by the show as well, I came there looking a hot mess. My face was bare, no make-up and my natural hair was all over the place. I looked a bit like Florida Evans the day James got killed. DAMN! DAMN! DAMN! Actually, without make-up and my weave, I look like Evilene, (minus the flying monkeys, of course).
Basically, I did not look cute, but I didn't need to. I was going to get "beat for the Gods" by the fashion experts at the show.
I walked in the dressing area, and there were some of the most beautiful women I have ever seen that were all size 10 and up. These women had the most amazing bodies and I felt proud to be among them! These models were what I envisioned Amazons to look like. My sexuality almost came in to question as I stared at some of the juiciest women you have ever seen. These girls were thick FOR REAL…they were gorgeous! I was a lesbian for a good 20 minutes!
BLAQUE comes in and announces "Hello Ladies. This is Erica Watson, she is our host for this evening. I need a designer to supply clothes for her!" The room fell silent. None of the designers wanted to acknowledge me. At that moment I felt like Sophia in The Color Purple when she was surrounded by all the white men in the town square right before they knocked her out. Yes, I looked a mess! I didn't look pretty at that moment. And yes, I was the BIGGEST girl in the room. But isn't this a full-figured fashion show? Shouldn't someone have something that can fit me?
One by one the designers declared "I don't have anything her size!" "Blaque, you didn't tell me you needed THAT size!" I stood there in shock. Here I was a big girl, in a big girl world and NO ONE wanted me to wear their clothes. One designer, Monif C. did come up to me personally to say how sorry she was that she didn't have my size. I fought back the tears.
Finally one of the designers from STREETWALKER approached me and said "Baby, I'm sorry. I just don't think you can fit any of my stuff. But, I know someone here must have your size!"
She screamed out to the room "Ladies, this girl is the HOST tonite. If you put her in your clothes you will get more attention! People will see her all night! Surely you all can take one of your models off the runway and put that outfit on the HOST!"
No one said anything.
Luckily I had bought something from my closet. A cute Ashley Stewart strapless jumpsuit (Animal Print FREE). The STREETWALKER designer said "Baby wear your own clothes, and I will put jewels on you! Don't worry! I'll make you look pretty!" She instructed her assistant Nafeesa to help me. Thank God for these women, they really looked out for me! Nafeesa helped me with my hair, my outfit, and reassured me that I would look fabulous no matter what!
If you are designing clothes for the plus sized fashionista who is stylish, outgoing and a urban trendsetter, wouldn't you want a girl like me to wear your clothes?
I'm not bragging, but here I am, a stand-up comedian who travels all over the country performing. I'm starring in a new film Dirty Laundry that will be in theaters nationwide in December. I'm also co-starring in the new Lee Daniels film called "PUSH" that will be in theaters next year. I have two national commercials on the OXYGEN NETWORK right now, and not to mention that I am the DIRECTOR of a reality show about FASHION called "My Model Looks Better Than Your Model" that is on the BETJ Network. As I type this, I am on the set of another film I am starring in called The Ghosts of Time Square. Basically, a fat bitch like me is hustlin' for real!!!!
And none of these stupid fat bitches stopped to think that dressing me could be beneficial to their clothing line? WTF?
We always complain that we do not have enough positive images of plus size women on tv and in film. Well, Erica Watson is on her way, and none of these designers thought that maybe for a second, they may want to dress a chick that will be on the red carpet this fall. If you search for me on Wire Images and other entertainment sites, you will see pictures of me already on the red carpet for various events. What is the purpose of designing clothes for fat women if you don't want a fat chick that is actually on tv to wear them. I'm not a celebrity, YET! And I stress YET! But so what. Why not start the networking process now? And who cares about me being on tv. None of that stuff really matters because these clothing lines should accept ALL big girls with open arms.
I went in the bathroom and cried. I cried one of those sloppy snot cries like after your momma beats you for dropping red kool-aid on her white carpet! Or better yet, the snotty cry after being the victim of FAT ON FAT CRIME!
I pulled myself together. Put on my wig (Thank you Hair Flare Inc.). Got my make-up done. Got dressed in my Ashley Stewart Clearance Rack jumpsuit and let STREETWALKER jewel me up! They even sprayed a scented oil on me that smelled so good, and lifted my spirits. I felt like a pretty girl! A Pretty Fat girl! And no matter what, I had to go out here and host my show!!!
I did a great job! A gave shout outs to the company all throughout the show, as well as a company called HAIR FLARE, Inc that had amazing lace front wigs! During intermission I ran into Carrie and Jessie, the co-founders of one of my favorite plus size magazines called SKORCH! They said I looked Amazing and that made me feel even better!
Once I was done hosting, I had to leave and go to perform in a play called "Craigslist: Live and Unauthorized!" that same night. Right before I went on stage I remembered what happened at the fashion show and I realized at the moment why it is so important for me to remember to love myself and present a positive image for women of ALL sizes.
They say that 90% of crime victims are assaulted by members of their own race. I must say that being a victim of a fat fashion drive by shooting is the worst. Instead of leaving the show feeling proud to be plus sized, I felt angered and ashamed. On one hand, maybe if you are too big to fit the clothes at a big girl fashion show that means you REALLY need to lose some weight. On the other hand, maybe the reason the plus size community is discriminated against so much is because we are some of the main culprits who "hate" on ourselves.
Ironically, one of my closest friends in NYC, a beautiful white girl named Mara Herron who by my standards in the perfect size 8 called me after the show so pumped! She left the following message: "Erica, I love full-figured black women! They were all so fucking gorgeous and their bodies were so amazing! From now on, I am going to love my body and celebrate my size 8 and all of my curves. I am a curvy white bitch and I am proud of who I am. Thank you for inviting me to the show! I love big girls! Big girl power!"
So, Mara left the show proud to be her size. But I left the big girl show wishing I was a size 8. How ironic.
Fat on Fat Crime hurts us all!
This blog may burn some bridges, but I have nothing to lose (but weight). Actually losing weight will help me not have to deal with self-hating designers ever again. Luckily places like SIZE APPEAL and IGIGI have sent boxes of clothes for me to wear in the past! Thank God! I plan on wearing them on the red carpet for the Dirty Laundry premiere!!!
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
“Mirror Mirror on the wall, who is the cutest fat girl of them all?”
This is the question I ask my mirror every morning!
“Of course you are Diva! You Better Work Bitch! (My mirror is a gay man). And it looks like you lost a couple of pounds!” is the usual response that my mirror gives to me, especially if it’s in a good mood! When my mirror is in a bad mood, he may make a bitchy comment about my wardrobe. But I found out recently that my damn mirror is a liar!!!
A while back, a couple of my best friends came to visit me from Chicago. One of them is my gorgeous friend Tina, who has always been a skinny girl. After she got married and had her daughter Khari, she gained a few pounds. Only a FEW! But she swears she is so thick now…so when Tina came to see me, she enjoyed sporting her new line of t-shirts that she designs. She had the nerve to wear one that said THICK across the front.
Tina was admiring herself in my mirror and all of a sudden she says “I don’t like this mirror, it makes me look skinny!” To which I replied “You ARE skinny!”. She turns to look at me with disgust “Shut up! I’m Thick. This mirror just makes me look smaller than I am….I hate mirrors like this!”
I freaked out!!! That means all this time, I’ve been thinking I looked a lot smaller than I do. That damn mirror has been lying to me for months now! DAMN YOU MIRROR!!
Until that moment, I never really realized how important my REFLECTION was. All this time I had been thinking I looked a certain way, trusting that what the mirror revealed to me was true. I looked smaller, so I acted smaller. I thought I was cute, so I acted cute. But once I found out that the reflection that I see may not be what others see, my behavior changed….I wondered how the rest of the world viewed me!
I wonder what people see when they SEE me. I wonder do they really see me at all, or do they see what they want to see.
From this point on, I have decided to be really careful about who’s reflection of me I trust. It’s important that we all make sure that we don’t let the way other people SEE us determine our worth. Their vision might be skewed like my mirror…….
My friend Tina’s daughter Khari is 4 years old. Recently Tina showed Khari my picture on my myspace page and Khari said “Ooooh Mommy, she is beautiful. She looks like Violet from the Incredibles!”
When Tina called me about this I said “They have a cartoon with a fat super hero? Damn, that’s great! Can she fly? I can’t imagine her having enough energy to save somebody!”
“No dummy!” Tina replied “Violet is not fat. She’s one of the kids on the cartoon. She’s a super hero!’
Wow! To little Khari my weight did not matter. To her, I looked like a superhero! I wish I could see myself with her eyes, because to me I am the farthest thing from a super hero!
Since I have been doing comedy, a couple of male comedians have said to me “Erica you are going to be successful because America loves a Big Black Woman! It’s like you are a new aged Mammy. All you gotta do is be sassy and stand on stage with your hands on your hips and say ‘What’s up Motha’ Fucka’s’…you’ll be a star!! “
What is the most upsetting is that it has been BLACK MEN that have said this to me. They don’t see me as a talented, articulate, funny black woman, they see me as a MAMMY!
Then again, Mammy was a superhero too. She kept the plantation running smoothly by helping her “white mistress” with her problems and tending to the chillin’s. I seem to do the same thing with my white girlfriends. They always come to me for advice…but I thought it was because I was smart…not because I shop at Lane Bryant. I didn’t know a size 22/24 automatically made you full of wisdom!
Mammy was also asexual. She had a bunch of kids, but you never knew where they came from.
That’s the one major difference between me and Mammy because I would no doubt have sex with Massa! I am looking for a white husband now, as a matter of fact! I figure all these black guys are dating outside of the race…I might as well do it too.
I think all black women should hook up with a white man and create a super-human race of tragic mullattoes!! The great thing is that at least THESE mixed kids hair would be combed correctly. I can always tell when I see a mixed child whether or not they have black or white momma by looking at the condition of their hair. White momma’s know they can’t comb no black child’s hair….
Then again, that’s what Super Mammy is for!
Here I come to save the day!!!! With a brush and grease for every mixed child who’s having a bad hair day!!! Super mammy can even help the hair situation of little African children that are adopted by white celebrities!!!
Well, no matter what. As of today the only reflection I care about is the one I see in my heart…and she’s beautiful!!!
Love & Laughter,
Homeless men love me!
I don’t know what it is about me, but every homeless man in NYC has tried to sleep with me at some point in time. I used to be really offended when a homeless guy would try to holler at me. I mean, what is it about me that would make a homeless man think that he could hit it? Do I look that desperate? Then I thought about it..if a guy has not washed his ass in weeks, doesn’t have a decent place to lay his head, and probably doesn’t know where his next meal is coming from, but he still wants to sleep with me, then I must be a pretty bitch!! Right? I mean, if I was a homeless man , getting some coochie would be the last thing on my mind. But I guess if a woman as fine as me walks by, all his homeless worries go out the window.
I am curious to know where a homeless guy would take me to hit it. Surely he does not think I am going to let him get some in his bed at the shelter? Anyway, after what happened to me on Saturday, I have a new found respect for homeless people in general.
Okay. Where do I start?
This Saturday I went to one of the New York City Recreation Centers to work out with my new personal trainer. His name is KING MATTHEW and I absolutely adore him. First of all he is gorgeous, which gives me a lot of motivation when it comes to working out. He is 6′5″, an ex-model and he is HETEROSEXUAL….yes..he likes girls!! How do I know, because I met his girlfriend, and he trains her as well. Her body is very curvy, in all the right places..so I told him “I want to look like your girlfriend!” and he said “No Erica, you want to look like the best ERICA you can be! ”—-King Matthew is Great!
After we worked out, I decided to go to the spa right next door for a quick facial. I left my gym bag in my locker, which had all of my belongings: cell phone, car keys, house keys and money. After my facial, I would go back to the gym to shower, change clothes and head on down to the Laugh Lounge where I was going to be hosting a comedy show.
The facial was so relaxing, I did not want to leave. After wards, I head back over to the Rec center, and it is CLOSED! It closed at 4pm! Since when does a recreation center close at 4pm on a Saturday? Now, ALL OF MY STUFF was in the locker at the REC center. What was I going to do? I had to be at my comedy show in 2 hours.
I looked like a crack head. I was wearing a dirty white t-shirt and some cotton PINK CAPRI’S…the kind of pink Capri’s that middle-aged fat white women that live in middle America wear when they are going to the Old Country Buffet! I looked like I had just walked out of a Catherine’s or Fashion Bug catalog! All I was missing was a pair of Easy Spirits, a sun visor and a fannie-pack to make the outfit complete. I LOOKED A HOT MESS!!!
Did I mention that I was wearing my WORK-OUT WIG? It is a little ratty wig I wear that sticks up all over my head. Between the synthetic wig and the pink Capri’s, I looked like a gay tumbleweed!
I’m standing in front of the REC center crying my eyes out! What am I going to do? Not only do I have a comedy show, but I am locked out of my apartment, with no where to go.
A couple of people walked by me on the street. I asked a cute couple if I could borrow their cell phone to make a call. They looked at me like I was crazy, and I heard the woman say “I hate homeless people. They need to get jobs!” I’m thinking “Damn…I look homeless! Do homeless people get facials?”
Soon after, an actual homeless man walks by and turns his nose up at me. Then he says “I heard you need to use a phone, you can use mine!” Now, although I should have been grateful, the only thing I could think was “Why the hell does a homeless man have a cell phone? Where do they send his bill?” Anyway….he continues “But you gotta give me $5!” I’m like “Excuse me? $5? Why? Don’t you have free nights and weekends? ” He answers “Yeah, but it’s a $5 service fee for you!”
I walk away pissed! Normally a homeless guy would be trying to get it on with me. But I guess my pink Capri’s were turning him off!! At least I know what to wear to keep the homeless men away from me!
I go back to the SPA and ask them if I can use their phone. Now, I do not really know anyone’s phone number by heart in NYC. But, everyone that I did call would not answer the phone because they did not recognize the number. I think all of my black friends are hiding from bill collectors.
Luckily, my best buddy Mara, who is a white girl answered her phone! (Thank God for white girls..they never hide from bill collectors) She lives right round the corner from the Rec center, so I went to her place.
I walk in Mara’s apartment, and she and her roommate Beatrice can not stop laughing at my outfit. Then I mentioned that I had a show in less than two hours, and they laughed so hard they were crying!
By their reaction I knew I was going to have to explain this outfit to the audience. So I get to the Laugh Lounge, and without hesitation HOST the show in that outfit! I had the best set of my life!! I told the story to the crowd and they loved it!! My friend Erika came to the show to pick me up, and I stayed over at her house. (Erika didn’t answer her phone earlier, which is strange because although she is black, she dates white men, and they pay her bills!) Actually, Erika has a new book out called “Confessions of a Rookie Cheerleader!” It’s amazing!!
Erika has a Cat named Cody. Cody is gay. I am allergic to Gay Cats. I slept on Cody’s favorite couch. My eyes swelled shut!
On top of this, my chin is itching. Now, I have had allergic reactions to cats before, but they ain’t never made my chin itch! So now I am blind with an itchy chin, a nappy wig and pink Capri’s!
After the swelling went down, I go to look in the mirror and my Chin is red, bumpy and inflamed! All I could think of was Puff Daddy and his Proactive commercials. Obviously the little Chinese lady that did my facial did not realize how important it was to “preserve my sexy” like Puffy!!
Now, it’s one thing to be homeless, but now i have an acne problem too!! DAMNIT! I mean, I’ve never seen a homeless person with acne! Why me God? Why Me?!?
Now, it’s Monday Morning…I still haven’t been in my apartment yet…but I am happy to report that once I went to the gym this morning and changed clothes, a homeless guy tried to holla’ at me on my way to work!
I still got it!!!
Basically, the moral of the story is: If you want a homeless man, DO NOT wear pink Capris!
Love & Laughter,
Monday, June 4, 2007
Anyone who knows me....knows that I have always had a bunch of close male friends. Ever since I was a little girl, members of the male species have always wanted to be my BEST FRIEND. Obviously there's something about me that all men love, and I think I've figured it out.....they love my FAT!!!
Come on...you men all know you have one!!! The fat girl who you hang out with all the time, confide in her about your insecurities and fears, invite her over for quality friendship time. Sometimes she'll even spend the night.....you love to cuddle and feel the jiggly warmth of her fat rolls. And, oh my God...she actually has titties.....big ones....pretty ones....but that's just "your girl"....your "best friend", right?
She's funny, extremely intelligent and you love her! You probably even secretly want to sleep with her, but you can't...she's fat!! Not only will your boys clown you, but you know that it is more important to be miserable and bored with a chick with a banging body than it is to be fulfilled and happy with a fat chick!!
Plus, you can always have the skinny chick as wifey and keep the fat girl as the "best friend" because your girlfriend would never think you would cheat on her with the Big Girl!! Even though deep in her heart she knows that you love and respect the fat girl in ways that she will never receive..she doesn't mind because after all she's the catch!!!
Recently, a wife of one of my "best male friends" called me to see how comedy was going for me. I told her that I was trying to lose weight and she said "Girl, you ain't hanging around my husband when you lose weight. He loves you too much...and if you get "thick" I know I'm out of the picture!" Now, I know she was just kidding...but it did make me think...while my weight has been a burden in some ways...it has also made people feel "safe." Will losing weight mean that I will also lose the coveted position of being every man's FAT BEST FRIEND?
DANGER!!! BEWARE !! All men watch out for the shrinking fat girl...you may actually fall in love!!!
Anyway, after years of being the surrogate fat girlfriend for a bunch of guys that secretly love me, but won't date me....you would think that I would be bitter, but I am not!! Actually I feel blessed because I have become an expert on men and relationships.
See, I get to know the inner workings of men in ways that no skinny chick ever will. Men tell me everything!!! Even things that their boys will never know about them, they tell me. From my best male friends that play professional sports all the way to my home boy that works construction, I have the heart of men. I may not get the sex, but I get their respect and love, which many times is more than the women that come and go in their lives ever will.
I went to workout at Lucille Roberts this weekend. Lisette the manager weighed and measured me....and the reality set in!!!! As I bounced up and down on the stair master machine, I realized that I the possibility to lose more than just weight. It's not just the size of my waist that will change...my relationships...and the way people relate to me will change as well!!!
I love all of my male friends....I've been one of the boys so long that I don't know how to be anything else. What will I do if losing weight also means losing the place I have in my boys lives......in their hearts.....Am I ready for that....?
Now, don't get me wrong....plenty of men like BIG GIRLS....and I meet them all the time...so it's not like I've been some ugly duckling that gets no play. And even though most of my close male friends say they are not attracted to BIG GIRLS, many of them have found themselves being attracted to my mind and spirit...and eventually attraction to my body followed....but my weight still held them back...I know it!!
So this time..the questions is not "can men and women be friends?"...but instead....Can men and former fat girls stay friends ? We shall see.......
I haven't lost any male friends yet...but I did lose 2 more pounds! Thanks LUCILLE ROBERTS!!!!
**And before wives start calling me...this issue does not apply to my TRUE BLUE male friends that love me like a sister. But the ones it does apply to know who they are...they are constantly offering to buy me a treadmill for my b-day!!
Love & Laughter,
Friday, May 18, 2007
AM I GAY? It's not that I question my own sexual orientation, but a lot of people do. Recently I reconnected with a friend of mine from highschool and she said "Erica, I heard that you are gay, and that you have a lesbian girlfriend that lives in Jamaica who is a doctor!" I said " Yes, her name is Escovitch! That's the only Jamaican fish I eat!" For some reason, ever since college, there have been a handful of people that have thought that I am gay! I do not know why?
Well, for a minute I was like "maybe I am" .... why would people say it unless I gave off a vibe or something? The thing is, lesbians never think I am gay, it's only straight women! Everytime I smile at a lesbian she gives me that "Why the hell is that fat straight girl smiling at me" look! So I am confused! Why do straight people think I am gay?
Well, not only do straight women think I am gay, but stippers do to! On Monday night I went to the strip club with three of my friends who will remain nameless to protect the innocent. Actually, scratch that...cause none of them were innocent....their names are ERICKA, JAY and STAN!!
I have always wanted to be a stripper. They say if you want to figure out what your stipper name would be, you have to take your childhood pet name and add your childhood street on to it. So, in that case my name is Kitty-Poo Drexel. Kitty-poo was the little dirty cat we had that hissed at my brother Eric too many times, so my parents got rid of it..and DREXEL is the street where I spent all of my life!!!
But actualy, I think if I was a stripper I would call myself "RED VELVET" because I love RED VELVET CAKE. As I pop...grind...and swing around the pole... I would pull out pieces of RED VELVET cake from between my legs and give it out to the men that tipped me!!! That sounds nasty!!
Back to the Strip Club....we went to the CRAZY HORSE CABARET in the BRONX. Jay gave me and Ericka $100 a piece in singles to give out to the women who were dancing. I thought is was all in fun.....a novelty.....until one of the strippers...who was gorgeous, seemed to be very fond of me and Ericka. She came over by me and started dancing. First let me say, I am STRAIGHT....but this girl's body was amazing...especially for guys who like very thick women!!! I gave her a dollar..and the next thing i know....in one swift move she ended up sitting in front of me with her legs wrapped around my neck! HOW DID SHE DO THAT? I felt violated, yet intrigued at the same time.
I guess I looked so startled that she tried to comfort me....with her coochie in my face. I said to her. "Hey! I'm straight! I think!!" and she stopped and looked in my eyes and said "I can fix that!"
At that moment I totally understood how men can get addicted to these clubs. It's all a hustle!! These women make you think they like you...but it's all about the money!!! This girl was trying to hustle me!!! And SHE DID!! She got all of my damn money!!! I felt like a fool!!! After that, I was determine not to give out any more money that night!!!!
But, what was the most intriguing thing is after all my money was gone...the girl came and sat down to talk with me. I figured she was trying to get me to buy a VIP Lap Dance!!! She was out of her mind!!!
I told her I didn't have anymore money and that I was pretty sure I was straight!! Anyway, she turns to me and says "I just wanted to tell you that you are a beautiful full-figured woman, and I wish I had your confidence!"
WHAT THE HELL?
She told me that she was 18 years old, and that she had low self esteem and that's why she dances. This girl was so pretty, so sexy and the perfect size to ME...but to herself she was ugly and unworthy!!! I was amazed!!!
Here I am, looking at her, thinking "If only I had her body, I would be rich!"...but she HAS the body and is not satisfied!!
I realized at that moment that ALL women, regardless of size, have the ability to have low esteem!! Sometimes I think pretty smaller girls have it made!! Maybe they do....but not if they don't know it!!!
I always tell people, "I can't wait to loose weight so that I can be a stripper!"....and even though I say it as a joke, the underlining message is that I too do not feel worthy to show off or feel sexy unless I am smaller. So I am no different than the stripper!! And, she is no diferent than me!!
After talking to her....I decided that from now on, I am going to stop waiting until I loose weight....and start celebrating my body TODAY!!!! I am going to get butt naked and dance in my living room to some Too Live Crew music and start practicing my moves....so whenever the day comes...when I feel confident in myself...no matter what size I am....I can be the stripper I have always wanted to be!!! In the privacy of my own home ofcourse....for my HUSBAND!!! I AM STRAIGHT!!!!!
After I left the Crazy Horse Cabaret....I realized that I am in love with a STRIPPER...and her name is Erica "RED VELVET" Watson!!
So basically, I went to the strip club and left there attracted to a very special girl: ME!!!!
Hey!! I lost two pounds so far!!! Yipee!!!!
Friday, May 11, 2007
As long as I can remember, I have always had high self esteem. I do what I want, when I want...and I do not care what people think about it!! Yes, I am that big girl that is guilty of wearing stuff that even though it was made in my size, doens't mean it was made for MY SIZE!!! You feel me? But I don't care..I wear it...fat rolls and all!! But this weight loss journey has me thinking, is my esteem really high, or it is just a LOW form of HIGH SELF ESTEEM?
I mean, yes my high self esteem allows me to get on stage every night and tell jokes. But my low self esteem forces me to get on stage and tell self degredating jokes about my weight. My high self esteem allows me to date and get the attention of alof of guys. But my low self esteem forces me to be "emotionally available" for men who want to hang around me and be my "friend" and enjoy all the benefits of me being a "surrogate girlfriend" while they search for another non-talented skinny chick to date! (Damn, I am B-I-T-T-E-R !!)
This is why I question it. I was all set to go to Lucille Roberts and get weighed and measured, so that I can truly monitor my progress. Then I thought about it: I AIN'T PUTTING MY WEIGHT ON THIS DAMN BLOG...ARE YOU CRAZY? I mean, I know you all can see me...but if I tell you exactly what I weigh then you'll really SEE ME!! I don't know if I want ya'll to see me that well!!!
Sometimes, I think because of the way I carry myself, that many people are fooled into thinking that I am a skinny girl. Actually, I even fool myself sometimes. There have been times when I am walking down the street, minding my business, and a homeless man will get mad because I won't give him my phone number and he'll call me a FAT BITCH!! But, I usually look around confused like "Who is this fool talking too? Not me!".....see I live my life the way a skinny girl does for the most part!!! So, if I don't know my real weight and I don't tell you all my real weight, then I can continue to live in denial. But the numbers speak the truth! The real truth is : My esteem ain't as high as I think it is! Damn, the truth hurts!!
Anyway, on Wednesday of this week, I went to the St. Nick location of Lucille Roberts to work out. I took an "ALL IN ONE" aerobics class taught by a beautiful diva named WENDY!!! She was the bomb!!! For more reasons than one. After class I spoke to her, told her what I was going through, and she gave me her numebr so that I can call her when I am having one of my pretty fat girl meltdowns!!!
WENDY actually lost 105 pounds in 9 months...and her before and after picture, with her before and after WEIGHT is hanging up in the club!!! She told me that if she could do it, I CAN DO IT!!! You know someone is a good person when they can KICK YOUR BUTT in a workout class, but you still want to talk to them afterwards and THANK THEM for the workout!!!
I almost cried talking to her because she could relate to everything that I was saying. She too, was a pretty fat girl and was tired of it!!! During her class I felt empowered because she modified the advanced exercises for me so that I could do them and still feel rewarded!! That meant so much to me!!!
I loved the class, but I also wanted to cry during the workout because I can't believe I have let myself get THIS BIG!!! I have to acknowledge that with every pound I loose, it is going to pull back layer after layer of hurt, pain and anger that lead me up to the point where I eat to self medicate!!!! Sorry to get so serious guys...but being fat ain't no laughing matter when you really think about it!!!
Okay...I plan on going to class to workout again this weekend.....and then next week I am dedicating myself to go to the gym 5 times!!
I want HIGH SELF ESTEEM!!! The real kind!!!!
Love & Laughter,
Monday, May 7, 2007
Life is hard for pretty fat girls. See, if you are an ugly fat girl, there is no hope for you, because even if you lose weight, you just become an ugly skinny girl. And Lord knows we already have enough ugly skinny women in the world. But, when you are a fat girl, with a pretty face, all you do is piss men off. Even gay men say "You Fat Bitch! I would probably be straight if you weren't so fat!" And I tell them "Well, you might as well stay gay because I am going to stay fat. Matter of fact, I'll be at the Gay Parade with a bucket of Chicken! Want some? "
But if I can really stop and be honest with myself, I am TIRED OF BEING A PRETTY FAT GIRL!!! Everywhere I go, people always tell me "You have such a pretty face!"...as a matter of fact I have met lots of fat girls that say everyone tells them that. The problem is, some of the fat girls that tell me this ARE NOT CUTE at all!!! So, should I really believe this compliment? Furthermore, it's not a compliment...it's an insult!! Basically they are saying "Girl, your body looks a hot mess!" And I agree...it does...I have let myself go...but that is about to change! TODAY!!!
No one ever stops to think about all the pressure that comes along with being a PRETTY FAT GIRL. People tend to ignore ugly fat girls. Every time I turn on the tv, I see some homely looking fat chick saying how invisible she feels..even though she is BIG. But it is the total opposite for PRETTY FAT GIRLS. Eveywhere we go, we get a lot of attention...especialy from MEN!!
There is always some dumb guy telling me "You know, I usually am not attracted to BIG WOMEN but it is something about you!!".....or I get "Hey! I just love a big woman! Your fat rolls feel so good!" Now, correct me if I am wrong, but I hardly ever hear men go up to skinny women and say "you know, I just love the way your collar bone and rib cage protrudes from under your skin...sex with you is like sleeping with a twelve year old boy..and your lack of breast tissue is so sexy to me!" In my opinion, cute fat girls have it the WORST!!!
If you haven't guessed by now, I am a stand-up comedian. On Saturday, April 21st I performed @ Caroline's On Broadway at a benefit show hosted by my great friend Shelley Wade from Z-100 to raise money for the The Revlon Run/Walk for Women. Lucille Roberts: Fitness for Women was a sponsor for the WALK and they came to the comedy show to give away a FREE YEAR MEMBERSHIP to a lucky audience member. While I was on stage, I asked one of the beautiful representatives, Vanessa if I could get a membership too. And to my surpise she said YES!!! Can you believe it!!!???!! I wish getting a rich NBA player, or a White Husband could be this easy!!!
I just got my Lucille Roberts membership card in the mail today. Vanessa called me this morning and we promised that we would support each other as we attempt to loose weight!! I decided to create this BLOG so that I can tell eveyone about my weight loss adventure that I am about to take with LUCILLE ROBERTS!!! I hope I don't let them down!!!
Feel free to come back here from time to time to read about all of my success!! I have ALOT OF WEIGHT TO LOOSE but I am ready to do it!!
In the meantime, please check out http://www.lucilleroberts.com and look at everything that this gym has to offer...and maybe if you get a membership I will see you there!! I will be the big girl rocking spandex... trying my best to get all of the little cute skinny trainers/instructors to eat some cupcakes!! Yes, I am a hater....so what!!!
By the way. Everything that I say here is all in fun...and does not reflect the opinion of Lucille Robert's or their employees. I just had to put that out there, even though they did not ask me too. This is my own personal BLOG full of my rantings and narrow-minded opinions about being cute and big in America. We live in a very sensitive POLITCALLY CORRECT society where you can't say anything about anybody anymore...well, unless you want to call them FAT....you can definatey say that!! How ironic.
Feel free to leave any comments that you like. Thanks for visiting.
Love & Laughter,