Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Is it a Bird? Is it a Plane? NO!!! It’s SUPER MAMMY!!!!!

“Mirror Mirror on the wall, who is the cutest fat girl of them all?”

This is the question I ask my mirror every morning!

“Of course you are Diva! You Better Work Bitch! (My mirror is a gay man). And it looks like you lost a couple of pounds!” is the usual response that my mirror gives to me, especially if it’s in a good mood! When my mirror is in a bad mood, he may make a bitchy comment about my wardrobe. But I found out recently that my damn mirror is a liar!!!

A while back, a couple of my best friends came to visit me from Chicago. One of them is my gorgeous friend Tina, who has always been a skinny girl. After she got married and had her daughter Khari, she gained a few pounds. Only a FEW! But she swears she is so thick now…so when Tina came to see me, she enjoyed sporting her new line of t-shirts that she designs. She had the nerve to wear one that said THICK across the front.

Tina was admiring herself in my mirror and all of a sudden she says “I don’t like this mirror, it makes me look skinny!” To which I replied “You ARE skinny!”. She turns to look at me with disgust “Shut up! I’m Thick. This mirror just makes me look smaller than I am….I hate mirrors like this!”

I freaked out!!! That means all this time, I’ve been thinking I looked a lot smaller than I do. That damn mirror has been lying to me for months now! DAMN YOU MIRROR!!

Until that moment, I never really realized how important my REFLECTION was. All this time I had been thinking I looked a certain way, trusting that what the mirror revealed to me was true. I looked smaller, so I acted smaller. I thought I was cute, so I acted cute. But once I found out that the reflection that I see may not be what others see, my behavior changed….I wondered how the rest of the world viewed me!

I wonder what people see when they SEE me. I wonder do they really see me at all, or do they see what they want to see.

From this point on, I have decided to be really careful about who’s reflection of me I trust. It’s important that we all make sure that we don’t let the way other people SEE us determine our worth. Their vision might be skewed like my mirror…….

My friend Tina’s daughter Khari is 4 years old. Recently Tina showed Khari my picture on my myspace page and Khari said “Ooooh Mommy, she is beautiful. She looks like Violet from the Incredibles!”

When Tina called me about this I said “They have a cartoon with a fat super hero? Damn, that’s great! Can she fly? I can’t imagine her having enough energy to save somebody!”

“No dummy!” Tina replied “Violet is not fat. She’s one of the kids on the cartoon. She’s a super hero!’

Wow! To little Khari my weight did not matter. To her, I looked like a superhero! I wish I could see myself with her eyes, because to me I am the farthest thing from a super hero!

Since I have been doing comedy, a couple of male comedians have said to me “Erica you are going to be successful because America loves a Big Black Woman! It’s like you are a new aged Mammy. All you gotta do is be sassy and stand on stage with your hands on your hips and say ‘What’s up Motha’ Fucka’s’…you’ll be a star!! “

What is the most upsetting is that it has been BLACK MEN that have said this to me. They don’t see me as a talented, articulate, funny black woman, they see me as a MAMMY!

Then again, Mammy was a superhero too. She kept the plantation running smoothly by helping her “white mistress” with her problems and tending to the chillin’s. I seem to do the same thing with my white girlfriends. They always come to me for advice…but I thought it was because I was smart…not because I shop at Lane Bryant. I didn’t know a size 22/24 automatically made you full of wisdom!

Mammy was also asexual. She had a bunch of kids, but you never knew where they came from.

That’s the one major difference between me and Mammy because I would no doubt have sex with Massa! I am looking for a white husband now, as a matter of fact! I figure all these black guys are dating outside of the race…I might as well do it too.

I think all black women should hook up with a white man and create a super-human race of tragic mullattoes!! The great thing is that at least THESE mixed kids hair would be combed correctly. I can always tell when I see a mixed child whether or not they have black or white momma by looking at the condition of their hair. White momma’s know they can’t comb no black child’s hair….

Then again, that’s what Super Mammy is for!

Here I come to save the day!!!! With a brush and grease for every mixed child who’s having a bad hair day!!! Super mammy can even help the hair situation of little African children that are adopted by white celebrities!!!

Well, no matter what. As of today the only reflection I care about is the one I see in my heart…and she’s beautiful!!!

Love & Laughter,


ALERT!!! Homeless men DO NOT like FAT GIRLS in PINK CAPRIS!!!

Homeless men love me!

I don’t know what it is about me, but every homeless man in NYC has tried to sleep with me at some point in time. I used to be really offended when a homeless guy would try to holler at me. I mean, what is it about me that would make a homeless man think that he could hit it? Do I look that desperate? Then I thought about it..if a guy has not washed his ass in weeks, doesn’t have a decent place to lay his head, and probably doesn’t know where his next meal is coming from, but he still wants to sleep with me, then I must be a pretty bitch!! Right? I mean, if I was a homeless man , getting some coochie would be the last thing on my mind. But I guess if a woman as fine as me walks by, all his homeless worries go out the window.

I am curious to know where a homeless guy would take me to hit it. Surely he does not think I am going to let him get some in his bed at the shelter? Anyway, after what happened to me on Saturday, I have a new found respect for homeless people in general.

Okay. Where do I start?

This Saturday I went to one of the New York City Recreation Centers to work out with my new personal trainer. His name is KING MATTHEW and I absolutely adore him. First of all he is gorgeous, which gives me a lot of motivation when it comes to working out. He is 6′5″, an ex-model and he is HETEROSEXUAL….yes..he likes girls!! How do I know, because I met his girlfriend, and he trains her as well. Her body is very curvy, in all the right places..so I told him “I want to look like your girlfriend!” and he said “No Erica, you want to look like the best ERICA you can be! ”—-King Matthew is Great!

After we worked out, I decided to go to the spa right next door for a quick facial. I left my gym bag in my locker, which had all of my belongings: cell phone, car keys, house keys and money. After my facial, I would go back to the gym to shower, change clothes and head on down to the Laugh Lounge where I was going to be hosting a comedy show.

The facial was so relaxing, I did not want to leave. After wards, I head back over to the Rec center, and it is CLOSED! It closed at 4pm! Since when does a recreation center close at 4pm on a Saturday? Now, ALL OF MY STUFF was in the locker at the REC center. What was I going to do? I had to be at my comedy show in 2 hours.

I looked like a crack head. I was wearing a dirty white t-shirt and some cotton PINK CAPRI’S…the kind of pink Capri’s that middle-aged fat white women that live in middle America wear when they are going to the Old Country Buffet! I looked like I had just walked out of a Catherine’s or Fashion Bug catalog! All I was missing was a pair of Easy Spirits, a sun visor and a fannie-pack to make the outfit complete. I LOOKED A HOT MESS!!!

Did I mention that I was wearing my WORK-OUT WIG? It is a little ratty wig I wear that sticks up all over my head. Between the synthetic wig and the pink Capri’s, I looked like a gay tumbleweed!

I’m standing in front of the REC center crying my eyes out! What am I going to do? Not only do I have a comedy show, but I am locked out of my apartment, with no where to go.

A couple of people walked by me on the street. I asked a cute couple if I could borrow their cell phone to make a call. They looked at me like I was crazy, and I heard the woman say “I hate homeless people. They need to get jobs!” I’m thinking “Damn…I look homeless! Do homeless people get facials?”

Soon after, an actual homeless man walks by and turns his nose up at me. Then he says “I heard you need to use a phone, you can use mine!” Now, although I should have been grateful, the only thing I could think was “Why the hell does a homeless man have a cell phone? Where do they send his bill?” Anyway….he continues “But you gotta give me $5!” I’m like “Excuse me? $5? Why? Don’t you have free nights and weekends? ” He answers “Yeah, but it’s a $5 service fee for you!”

I walk away pissed! Normally a homeless guy would be trying to get it on with me. But I guess my pink Capri’s were turning him off!! At least I know what to wear to keep the homeless men away from me!

I go back to the SPA and ask them if I can use their phone. Now, I do not really know anyone’s phone number by heart in NYC. But, everyone that I did call would not answer the phone because they did not recognize the number. I think all of my black friends are hiding from bill collectors.

Luckily, my best buddy Mara, who is a white girl answered her phone! (Thank God for white girls..they never hide from bill collectors) She lives right round the corner from the Rec center, so I went to her place.

I walk in Mara’s apartment, and she and her roommate Beatrice can not stop laughing at my outfit. Then I mentioned that I had a show in less than two hours, and they laughed so hard they were crying!

By their reaction I knew I was going to have to explain this outfit to the audience. So I get to the Laugh Lounge, and without hesitation HOST the show in that outfit! I had the best set of my life!! I told the story to the crowd and they loved it!! My friend Erika came to the show to pick me up, and I stayed over at her house. (Erika didn’t answer her phone earlier, which is strange because although she is black, she dates white men, and they pay her bills!) Actually, Erika has a new book out called “Confessions of a Rookie Cheerleader!” It’s amazing!!

I Digress.

Erika has a Cat named Cody. Cody is gay. I am allergic to Gay Cats. I slept on Cody’s favorite couch. My eyes swelled shut!

On top of this, my chin is itching. Now, I have had allergic reactions to cats before, but they ain’t never made my chin itch! So now I am blind with an itchy chin, a nappy wig and pink Capri’s!

After the swelling went down, I go to look in the mirror and my Chin is red, bumpy and inflamed! All I could think of was Puff Daddy and his Proactive commercials. Obviously the little Chinese lady that did my facial did not realize how important it was to “preserve my sexy” like Puffy!!

Now, it’s one thing to be homeless, but now i have an acne problem too!! DAMNIT! I mean, I’ve never seen a homeless person with acne! Why me God? Why Me?!?

Now, it’s Monday Morning…I still haven’t been in my apartment yet…but I am happy to report that once I went to the gym this morning and changed clothes, a homeless guy tried to holla’ at me on my way to work!

I still got it!!!

Basically, the moral of the story is: If you want a homeless man, DO NOT wear pink Capris!

Love & Laughter,