Friday, May 11, 2007
How LOW is MY "HIGH SELF ESTEEM" ?
As long as I can remember, I have always had high self esteem. I do what I want, when I want...and I do not care what people think about it!! Yes, I am that big girl that is guilty of wearing stuff that even though it was made in my size, doens't mean it was made for MY SIZE!!! You feel me? But I don't care..I wear it...fat rolls and all!! But this weight loss journey has me thinking, is my esteem really high, or it is just a LOW form of HIGH SELF ESTEEM?
I mean, yes my high self esteem allows me to get on stage every night and tell jokes. But my low self esteem forces me to get on stage and tell self degredating jokes about my weight. My high self esteem allows me to date and get the attention of alof of guys. But my low self esteem forces me to be "emotionally available" for men who want to hang around me and be my "friend" and enjoy all the benefits of me being a "surrogate girlfriend" while they search for another non-talented skinny chick to date! (Damn, I am B-I-T-T-E-R !!)
This is why I question it. I was all set to go to Lucille Roberts and get weighed and measured, so that I can truly monitor my progress. Then I thought about it: I AIN'T PUTTING MY WEIGHT ON THIS DAMN BLOG...ARE YOU CRAZY? I mean, I know you all can see me...but if I tell you exactly what I weigh then you'll really SEE ME!! I don't know if I want ya'll to see me that well!!!
Sometimes, I think because of the way I carry myself, that many people are fooled into thinking that I am a skinny girl. Actually, I even fool myself sometimes. There have been times when I am walking down the street, minding my business, and a homeless man will get mad because I won't give him my phone number and he'll call me a FAT BITCH!! But, I usually look around confused like "Who is this fool talking too? Not me!".....see I live my life the way a skinny girl does for the most part!!! So, if I don't know my real weight and I don't tell you all my real weight, then I can continue to live in denial. But the numbers speak the truth! The real truth is : My esteem ain't as high as I think it is! Damn, the truth hurts!!
Anyway, on Wednesday of this week, I went to the St. Nick location of Lucille Roberts to work out. I took an "ALL IN ONE" aerobics class taught by a beautiful diva named WENDY!!! She was the bomb!!! For more reasons than one. After class I spoke to her, told her what I was going through, and she gave me her numebr so that I can call her when I am having one of my pretty fat girl meltdowns!!!
WENDY actually lost 105 pounds in 9 months...and her before and after picture, with her before and after WEIGHT is hanging up in the club!!! She told me that if she could do it, I CAN DO IT!!! You know someone is a good person when they can KICK YOUR BUTT in a workout class, but you still want to talk to them afterwards and THANK THEM for the workout!!!
I almost cried talking to her because she could relate to everything that I was saying. She too, was a pretty fat girl and was tired of it!!! During her class I felt empowered because she modified the advanced exercises for me so that I could do them and still feel rewarded!! That meant so much to me!!!
I loved the class, but I also wanted to cry during the workout because I can't believe I have let myself get THIS BIG!!! I have to acknowledge that with every pound I loose, it is going to pull back layer after layer of hurt, pain and anger that lead me up to the point where I eat to self medicate!!!! Sorry to get so serious guys...but being fat ain't no laughing matter when you really think about it!!!
Okay...I plan on going to class to workout again this weekend.....and then next week I am dedicating myself to go to the gym 5 times!!
I want HIGH SELF ESTEEM!!! The real kind!!!!
Love & Laughter,