Friday, May 18, 2007
I'm In Love With A Stripper!!
AM I GAY? It's not that I question my own sexual orientation, but a lot of people do. Recently I reconnected with a friend of mine from highschool and she said "Erica, I heard that you are gay, and that you have a lesbian girlfriend that lives in Jamaica who is a doctor!" I said " Yes, her name is Escovitch! That's the only Jamaican fish I eat!" For some reason, ever since college, there have been a handful of people that have thought that I am gay! I do not know why?
Well, for a minute I was like "maybe I am" .... why would people say it unless I gave off a vibe or something? The thing is, lesbians never think I am gay, it's only straight women! Everytime I smile at a lesbian she gives me that "Why the hell is that fat straight girl smiling at me" look! So I am confused! Why do straight people think I am gay?
Well, not only do straight women think I am gay, but stippers do to! On Monday night I went to the strip club with three of my friends who will remain nameless to protect the innocent. Actually, scratch that...cause none of them were innocent....their names are ERICKA, JAY and STAN!!
I have always wanted to be a stripper. They say if you want to figure out what your stipper name would be, you have to take your childhood pet name and add your childhood street on to it. So, in that case my name is Kitty-Poo Drexel. Kitty-poo was the little dirty cat we had that hissed at my brother Eric too many times, so my parents got rid of it..and DREXEL is the street where I spent all of my life!!!
But actualy, I think if I was a stripper I would call myself "RED VELVET" because I love RED VELVET CAKE. As I pop...grind...and swing around the pole... I would pull out pieces of RED VELVET cake from between my legs and give it out to the men that tipped me!!! That sounds nasty!!
Back to the Strip Club....we went to the CRAZY HORSE CABARET in the BRONX. Jay gave me and Ericka $100 a piece in singles to give out to the women who were dancing. I thought is was all in fun.....a novelty.....until one of the strippers...who was gorgeous, seemed to be very fond of me and Ericka. She came over by me and started dancing. First let me say, I am STRAIGHT....but this girl's body was amazing...especially for guys who like very thick women!!! I gave her a dollar..and the next thing i know....in one swift move she ended up sitting in front of me with her legs wrapped around my neck! HOW DID SHE DO THAT? I felt violated, yet intrigued at the same time.
I guess I looked so startled that she tried to comfort me....with her coochie in my face. I said to her. "Hey! I'm straight! I think!!" and she stopped and looked in my eyes and said "I can fix that!"
At that moment I totally understood how men can get addicted to these clubs. It's all a hustle!! These women make you think they like you...but it's all about the money!!! This girl was trying to hustle me!!! And SHE DID!! She got all of my damn money!!! I felt like a fool!!! After that, I was determine not to give out any more money that night!!!!
But, what was the most intriguing thing is after all my money was gone...the girl came and sat down to talk with me. I figured she was trying to get me to buy a VIP Lap Dance!!! She was out of her mind!!!
I told her I didn't have anymore money and that I was pretty sure I was straight!! Anyway, she turns to me and says "I just wanted to tell you that you are a beautiful full-figured woman, and I wish I had your confidence!"
WHAT THE HELL?
She told me that she was 18 years old, and that she had low self esteem and that's why she dances. This girl was so pretty, so sexy and the perfect size to ME...but to herself she was ugly and unworthy!!! I was amazed!!!
Here I am, looking at her, thinking "If only I had her body, I would be rich!"...but she HAS the body and is not satisfied!!
I realized at that moment that ALL women, regardless of size, have the ability to have low esteem!! Sometimes I think pretty smaller girls have it made!! Maybe they do....but not if they don't know it!!!
I always tell people, "I can't wait to loose weight so that I can be a stripper!"....and even though I say it as a joke, the underlining message is that I too do not feel worthy to show off or feel sexy unless I am smaller. So I am no different than the stripper!! And, she is no diferent than me!!
After talking to her....I decided that from now on, I am going to stop waiting until I loose weight....and start celebrating my body TODAY!!!! I am going to get butt naked and dance in my living room to some Too Live Crew music and start practicing my moves....so whenever the day comes...when I feel confident in myself...no matter what size I am....I can be the stripper I have always wanted to be!!! In the privacy of my own home ofcourse....for my HUSBAND!!! I AM STRAIGHT!!!!!
After I left the Crazy Horse Cabaret....I realized that I am in love with a STRIPPER...and her name is Erica "RED VELVET" Watson!!
So basically, I went to the strip club and left there attracted to a very special girl: ME!!!!
Hey!! I lost two pounds so far!!! Yipee!!!!