Tuesday, July 24, 2007
ALERT!!! Homeless men DO NOT like FAT GIRLS in PINK CAPRIS!!!
Homeless men love me!
I don’t know what it is about me, but every homeless man in NYC has tried to sleep with me at some point in time. I used to be really offended when a homeless guy would try to holler at me. I mean, what is it about me that would make a homeless man think that he could hit it? Do I look that desperate? Then I thought about it..if a guy has not washed his ass in weeks, doesn’t have a decent place to lay his head, and probably doesn’t know where his next meal is coming from, but he still wants to sleep with me, then I must be a pretty bitch!! Right? I mean, if I was a homeless man , getting some coochie would be the last thing on my mind. But I guess if a woman as fine as me walks by, all his homeless worries go out the window.
I am curious to know where a homeless guy would take me to hit it. Surely he does not think I am going to let him get some in his bed at the shelter? Anyway, after what happened to me on Saturday, I have a new found respect for homeless people in general.
Okay. Where do I start?
This Saturday I went to one of the New York City Recreation Centers to work out with my new personal trainer. His name is KING MATTHEW and I absolutely adore him. First of all he is gorgeous, which gives me a lot of motivation when it comes to working out. He is 6′5″, an ex-model and he is HETEROSEXUAL….yes..he likes girls!! How do I know, because I met his girlfriend, and he trains her as well. Her body is very curvy, in all the right places..so I told him “I want to look like your girlfriend!” and he said “No Erica, you want to look like the best ERICA you can be! ”—-King Matthew is Great!
After we worked out, I decided to go to the spa right next door for a quick facial. I left my gym bag in my locker, which had all of my belongings: cell phone, car keys, house keys and money. After my facial, I would go back to the gym to shower, change clothes and head on down to the Laugh Lounge where I was going to be hosting a comedy show.
The facial was so relaxing, I did not want to leave. After wards, I head back over to the Rec center, and it is CLOSED! It closed at 4pm! Since when does a recreation center close at 4pm on a Saturday? Now, ALL OF MY STUFF was in the locker at the REC center. What was I going to do? I had to be at my comedy show in 2 hours.
I looked like a crack head. I was wearing a dirty white t-shirt and some cotton PINK CAPRI’S…the kind of pink Capri’s that middle-aged fat white women that live in middle America wear when they are going to the Old Country Buffet! I looked like I had just walked out of a Catherine’s or Fashion Bug catalog! All I was missing was a pair of Easy Spirits, a sun visor and a fannie-pack to make the outfit complete. I LOOKED A HOT MESS!!!
Did I mention that I was wearing my WORK-OUT WIG? It is a little ratty wig I wear that sticks up all over my head. Between the synthetic wig and the pink Capri’s, I looked like a gay tumbleweed!
I’m standing in front of the REC center crying my eyes out! What am I going to do? Not only do I have a comedy show, but I am locked out of my apartment, with no where to go.
A couple of people walked by me on the street. I asked a cute couple if I could borrow their cell phone to make a call. They looked at me like I was crazy, and I heard the woman say “I hate homeless people. They need to get jobs!” I’m thinking “Damn…I look homeless! Do homeless people get facials?”
Soon after, an actual homeless man walks by and turns his nose up at me. Then he says “I heard you need to use a phone, you can use mine!” Now, although I should have been grateful, the only thing I could think was “Why the hell does a homeless man have a cell phone? Where do they send his bill?” Anyway….he continues “But you gotta give me $5!” I’m like “Excuse me? $5? Why? Don’t you have free nights and weekends? ” He answers “Yeah, but it’s a $5 service fee for you!”
I walk away pissed! Normally a homeless guy would be trying to get it on with me. But I guess my pink Capri’s were turning him off!! At least I know what to wear to keep the homeless men away from me!
I go back to the SPA and ask them if I can use their phone. Now, I do not really know anyone’s phone number by heart in NYC. But, everyone that I did call would not answer the phone because they did not recognize the number. I think all of my black friends are hiding from bill collectors.
Luckily, my best buddy Mara, who is a white girl answered her phone! (Thank God for white girls..they never hide from bill collectors) She lives right round the corner from the Rec center, so I went to her place.
I walk in Mara’s apartment, and she and her roommate Beatrice can not stop laughing at my outfit. Then I mentioned that I had a show in less than two hours, and they laughed so hard they were crying!
By their reaction I knew I was going to have to explain this outfit to the audience. So I get to the Laugh Lounge, and without hesitation HOST the show in that outfit! I had the best set of my life!! I told the story to the crowd and they loved it!! My friend Erika came to the show to pick me up, and I stayed over at her house. (Erika didn’t answer her phone earlier, which is strange because although she is black, she dates white men, and they pay her bills!) Actually, Erika has a new book out called “Confessions of a Rookie Cheerleader!” It’s amazing!!
Erika has a Cat named Cody. Cody is gay. I am allergic to Gay Cats. I slept on Cody’s favorite couch. My eyes swelled shut!
On top of this, my chin is itching. Now, I have had allergic reactions to cats before, but they ain’t never made my chin itch! So now I am blind with an itchy chin, a nappy wig and pink Capri’s!
After the swelling went down, I go to look in the mirror and my Chin is red, bumpy and inflamed! All I could think of was Puff Daddy and his Proactive commercials. Obviously the little Chinese lady that did my facial did not realize how important it was to “preserve my sexy” like Puffy!!
Now, it’s one thing to be homeless, but now i have an acne problem too!! DAMNIT! I mean, I’ve never seen a homeless person with acne! Why me God? Why Me?!?
Now, it’s Monday Morning…I still haven’t been in my apartment yet…but I am happy to report that once I went to the gym this morning and changed clothes, a homeless guy tried to holla’ at me on my way to work!
I still got it!!!
Basically, the moral of the story is: If you want a homeless man, DO NOT wear pink Capris!
Love & Laughter,